So it's been a month since my last entry. It seems like longer than that.

I am so lonely at the moment. So goddamn lonely. I mean, I am never anybodys favourite and I am never anybodys number-one. Nobody ever puts me first. I just want SOMEBODY. Like a best friend, whether its a guy or a girl I have no preference, but somebody who will put me above everybody else, and who will want to be with me soooo much and we could just sit and talk for ages. If it was a guy, we would talk on the phone all the time and just cuddle up and watch telly. Man I'd love that.

And my hatred for myself is escalating. Like... I currently weigh the most I have ever weighed in my ENTIRE life.

Before, my highest weight was 105lbs. One hundred and five pounds. Recently, it came upto 109lbs. I was so scared and upset and I didn't know what to do :/

I want to starve. I miss the emptiness and pain. Is that wrong? :/

I've really taken a shine to exercise. Never much had the chance or motivation to do it before. Now I have the chance... free reign of my mother's cross-trainer whilst she's away, and the motivation, well, I hate myself. haha. So I've been exercising loads twice a day. My muscles ache all over but that's only where the fun begins. After I'm too tired to run or dance or do situps any longer, I like to sprawl out on the floor. I place my fingers where my groin meets the top of my legs, and feel how fast my pulse is going. It really gives you the sense that you're alive, unlike the rest of my pathetic excuse for a life. I mean REALLY. I'll go into college and "learn", I'll go out to work in the evening to earn money, and I will come back home and spend the night and early morning talking to my "closest friends" who I have never met, over the internet, often flirting with them. It really is a waste of a life. Exercise makes me feel good.

Whilst I was laying on the floor today, Bleed Like Me (by Garage) came on the shuffle of my iPod. Normally I'm not one to go into depth in song lyrics or try too hard to relate to them, but it got to me today.

"Avalanche is sullen and too thin. She starves herself to rid herself of sin. And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin, and she says: hey baby can you bleed like me?"

And I think about what makes me happy about myself, and what makes me smile. For years now I have stood infront of the mirror stark naked and carassed my collar bones, my ribcage, my hip bones, my wrists. These are my favourite parts of myself, if you were to ask. And why? Because of how close the bone is to the skin.

It's sick, really.

I tried for hours and hours to get to sleep but I couldn't. Gave in. It's now gone 4.30am and I have college in a few hours which can't be a good thing. Hopefully won't fall asleep there again! Well, I only have the one lesson anyway. Having to go in from 9-10am is very lame, because I would have the rest of the day off but of course I have work in the evening so I couldn't do anything anyway.
And yeah... not like I can do anything at this time in the morning. I mean, my FAMILY is on holiday (parents + siblings). But my grandparents are here to "babysit" me as my parents don't trust me. So I can't listen to music, or exercise on the cross-trainer, or play on the ps3, or watch a film, because I might wake them up. They're up every other hour anyway because they're so old. I saw how many pills they have to take and I feel sorry for them. I don't even want to be old.

Another qualm. I'm usually a happy chappy, a shiny bright smiley person, but today (or yesterday.. whatever it is) I just can't bring myself to put that on. I really do hate myself. I'm just a really shit excuse for a human XD. I'm never happy with anything I do or anything I want to do or be. I can't eat or drink anything without my brain wanting to do horrible things to my body for the next few hours. I exercise until I can't move, and my brain is mad that I can't do anymore. I was lying in bed for hours trying to sleep and all I could think is what a waste I am. I have the beautiful gift of life and I can't even use it properly. I just want to destroy myself - and I'm obviously doing it through the subtle route or starvation. I suppose I don't have to worry about growing old... even if the disease doesn't beat me in the next few years, I won't be weak enough to make it past my 70's.

I WISH I had a best friend. A confidant. Somebody who was all mine to love and share things with. They would constantly be at my house, or I would constantly be at theirs. Somebody who I could run up to and just jump into their arms if I felt sad. I would want it to be a male actually. Not one I had feelings for, but one who was so close I felt they were a part of me.

I never had a proper best friend... I never had somebody to cuddle up with + tell secrets + watch films + giggle.

Shit day :(

i'm such a fuckup. ball on saturday, and i am a huge disgustingly fat monster. whats the point in wearing a sexy dress if everyone will be staring at your bingo wings and cellulite thighs? =/

fuck sake I'm so close, I hope so much that this works out. 2 days. next goal I won't leave it so goddamn close =/